


Whiskey Lullaby

by captainraz



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Suicide, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-06
Updated: 2014-12-06
Packaged: 2018-02-28 09:18:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2727002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainraz/pseuds/captainraz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A newly human Odo begins to use alcohol to deal with his troubles. The results are disastrous.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whiskey Lullaby

**Author's Note:**

> Based on Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss.
> 
> Its become a bit of a thing for me to write fic for my pairings based on this song. The only problem is the song doesn't end well and neither does this story. Do not read this expecting a happy ending.
> 
> Severe trigger/content warning for depression, alcohol abuse/alcoholism and suicide. Please exercise caution and look after yourself.

Constable Odo had only ever had two dreams. The first and oldest of these dreams was to know who he was and where he had come from. That dream had come true a little over two years ago, with the discovery of the Founders and his rejection of their ideals. With all hopes of joining his people dashed, all that had remained was his love for Major Kira, and his hope that one day she might love him back. That dream too had died, and all Odo had left was his work, his drive to achieve justice for all.

 

Some people might have said that Kira had broken his heart, but Odo was far too self aware to ever believe that. As far as he knew the Major remained unaware of his feelings towards her. He'd been working towards telling her, slowly, and someone else had beaten him to declaring love. Someone handsome and powerful whom Kira had liked in return. Odo's heart was broken, but it was his own reticence and self doubt that had done it. Now he would probably never know if Nerys could love him, he'd wasted his chance.

 

All that Odo could endure, and more, were it not for the fact his people had made him a solid. Oh he was guilty of the crime for which they had punished him, and he had willingly submitted to their justice. Knowing that didn't make it any easier to deal with what they had done to him. They had stripped away his identity, taken the very thing that had made him who he was. He had always been a changeling, even before he had even heard the word, had always had his shapeshifting abilities. Now he was just another solid, with nothing left but his job.

 

And even that wasn't as fulfilling as it had once been. As much as he wanted to deny it, Odo's drive for justice had simply been an expression of his people's innate need for order and control. He still felt the need for order, and by extension justice, but it had been blunted since the Founders had turned their backs on him. And it was harder to do his job to the extent he had before without his shapeshifting abilities. Humanoid needs for food and sleep cut into the hours he spent working, and he resented having to rely on traditional surveillance methods. It was far less efficient than simply becoming a glass or a chair.

 

So he withdrew into himself. He ignored or refused the invitations he received to socialise because he neither wanted or needed pity. Odo crawled back into his shell and quietly tested the limits of his new body. It put him in the Infirmary a few times, but thankfully Doctor Bashir attributed it to Odo being unfamiliar with his new body and just warned him to take it easy.

 

One of the few genuinely pleasurable things Odo had discovered about his new body was in the consumption of food and drink. He had always been fascinated by the humanoid preoccupation with obtaining nutrition. He was particularly interested in the preparation of meals that went above and beyond the basics of what the body required. But it was an altogether different thing to experience it for himself. The few attempts he had made at eating as a changeling had been unsuccessful and he now attributed that largely to a lack of taste buds. Eating with a human body was an exhilarating experience, once he'd gotten the hang of it. He made a point of trying as many different flavours as he could.

 

And then he discovered alcohol.

 

It had started with a glass of Bajoran ale. The colour of the drink was close to that of a changeling in its native state, and Odo had been fascinated by the bubbles. He wanted to know what they would feel like travelling down his oesophagus, and the sensation didn't disappoint. The flavour was interesting, not the nicest he'd experienced, but certainly not unpleasant. But the real surprise for Odo had been the effect it had had on him.

 

Odo had been dragging drunks to the tank for almost a decade and he had never understood why humanoids willingly put themselves into that sort of state. After trying beer for the first time he understood the appeal. After one glass of beer he felt more cheerful than he had in weeks. After two he felt happy and three had him feeling like the life and soul of the party. Drinking more lead to feeling less and less in control of his body but Odo found he didn't mind. There was a certain relief in not being in control for someone who had been in total control for so long. He welcomed the strange dissociation from the body he hated so much.

 

He started exploring all the different forms of alcohol the quadrant had to offer. If there was one thing all the different species had in common, it was that at some point in their history every one of them had learned how to ferment sugar to create alcohol. Even the stoic and logical Vulcans had their own flavours of booze and Odo was determined to try them all. He discovered that he had a particular penchant for whiskeys, regardless of the planet of origin. If it was made from fermented grain and aged in a wooden barrel he liked it. He liked all of them, but Bajoran whiskey was his favourite because it tasted like the only home he had ever known. And he made sure to only drink the proper stuff, none of this synthehol nonsense. Real alcohol not only tasted better but seemed to work faster. He paid the price the next day but he thought it was worth it for a few hours of blissful oblivion.

 

He started keeping a few bottles in his quarters for when he didn't think it was worth putting up with Quark while he nursed his drink. Odo started spending less and less time drinking in the bar, and since he wasn't paying Quark's inflated prices, he ended up drinking more and more.

 

Drinking at home was a different experience to drinking in the bar. The social benefits of being a little drunk no longer applied, but Odo found he still enjoyed the brief respite from the body he hated. He prized the numbing effect of the alcohol above everything else. When he was drinking all the hurt and the heartbreak didn't bother him so much. He suspected he had a problem when he started buying three or four bottles of whiskey a week. He figured that as long as it didn't affect his job it would be OK. Everyone needed a vice, and this was his.

 

Eventually his friends and colleagues noticed the sheer volume he was getting through and, because they cared, they tried to talk to him about it. Dax tried first, using Curzon's experience with problematic drinking to try to get through to Odo. He didn't want to hear it. Drinking had become the only way he had of dealing with the pain of all the things he had gone through, and he didn't want to give it up. Sisko offered to bring a counsellor on board so he could work through things and maybe rely on the booze less, but Odo declined. At this point Sisko's hands were tied; he was worried about his friend but since his drinking hadn't had a negative impact on his ability to do his duty there wasn't a lot he could do.

 

Odo's drinking got worse.

 

His body started to build up a tolerance to alcohol. Odo found he had to start drinking more and more whiskey just to achieve the peaceful oblivion he needed. The more he drank, the worse his hangovers got. He started having a "little drink" before he went on shift, just to deal with his symptoms. He thought of it as a pick me up and didn't think it was a problem.

 

When he started doing that it was only a matter of time until his drinking negatively impacted his job.

 

Crunch time came when one of Odo's deputies got injured because the chief of security wasn't as sharp as he should have been. They'd just arrested a smuggler and Odo forgot to search him for weapons. As he was dragging him to a cell the smuggler broke free of his restraints and pulled a phaser, shooting at one of the deputies. Odo got the situation under control quickly after that, but the damage had been done. The deputy had only received a glancing shot to the arm, but it should never have happened. It wouldn't have happened if Odo hadn't been drunk.

 

When Bashir tested his blood alcohol level it was twice the recommended level for active duty. That was all the leverage Starfleet needed to get rid of him and install one of their own as head of station security. Despite a passionate fight by both Kira and Sisko on Odo's behalf, the Bajoran militia gave him a dishonourable discharge.

 

Sisko offered to keep Odo's quarters available to stay on the station, but he declined. His mistakes and his problem had almost gotten someone killed, and if he stayed on the station he would be reminded of that every day. He couldn't bear to look any of his friends in the eye after what had happened, so he left.

 

Despite his dishonourable discharge Odo didn't have any problem finding work doing private security. He did okay for a while, even managed to get off the booze for a bit, but eventually he fell off the wagon and lost his job. That's how it went for a few months. Odo would find work in private security or investigation and things would be okay for a while. Until his drinking started causing problems.

 

One day he realised he didn't know why he was still trying to carry on. He'd lost his home and his friends and a job he'd once loved. His shapeshifting abilities had been taken from him, and with them his sense of identity and purpose. He no longer had the same drive for justice and he'd long since stopped taking care of himself. His hair was long and scraggly and his face was unshaven. Odo no longer recognised the man he saw in the mirror and what was worse, the alcohol no longer numbed the pain of all the things he'd lost. He couldn't see a way out, could no longer force himself to carry on.

 

So he used the last of his militia pay to buy himself a phaser. He'd never cared for weapons and had refused to carry one as a security officer, but he did now. One night, after a particularly brutal case, he got blind drunk and put that phaser to his head. And Odo, who had never intentionally hurt a living creature in his life, pulled the trigger and finally found peace.

 

***

 

Kira Nerys cried for three solid days when she got the news that Odo had killed himself.

 

They'd found him the next morning, face down in bed covered in blood, having shot himself in the head with a phaser. The only things he'd had with him were several empty whiskey bottles, the phaser he'd killed himself with, and a single padd containing a letter to her. The letter had been brief and largely incoherent. He'd obviously written when he was drunk, but it was important nonetheless. Eight words stood out above all the drunken rambling: I'll love you until the day I die.

 

Everyone on the station gave her space after Odo's death. Most people knew they'd been close, and they allowed her to mourn her friend at her own pace. No one else had seen the letter though, no one on the station, and they didn't know the burden of guilt she carried.

 

Kira had watched Odo's descent into alcoholism and despair. She'd known he had a problem and yet she'd stayed away. Kira knew how difficult he was finding it being a solid, how much he had really enjoyed being a changeling. But she hadn't reached out to help him. She had reasoned that if he really needed help he'd come to her, and besides, he'd been distant with her for a while at that point. And honestly, he'd been distant from everyone after he'd been made human. He'd gone through something none of them could possibly hope to understand, so they all gave him space. Kira waited for him to come to her the way she had gone to him so many times, and watched his life go to hell.

 

She'd wanted to go after him after he was discharged from the militia and left the station. By then she'd left it too long and she didn't know what to say. Even without the letter she had felt an enormous amount of guilt after his death because she was supposed to have been his friend. She could have done more, should have done more to help him.

 

But after the letter it was so much worse.

 

The senior staff had always assumed that Odo had started drinking to cope with his new found humanoid body, with the prospect of never being able to be with his people again. But after the letter it seemed like they had been wrong. It appeared that being made a humanoid simply provided Odo with a means of coping with the true reason for his heartbreak.

 

Odo had been in love with Kira.

 

How long for she didn't know. If the letter contained that particular detail it was so badly garbled by drink that it was unintelligible. All she knew was that he had written a letter to her, confessing his feelings, and promising to love her until the day he died. And then he had blown his own head off with a phaser.

 

Kira Nerys had lost many friends in her life, some of them to their own hands, and none of them had hurt as much as this did. It was all her fault.

 

One of her best friends had been in love with her, and she'd never noticed. She knew there must have been signs. Even the most careful person would give away subtle clues as to their feelings. She should have noticed something, even taking into account the fact Odo wasn't humanoid. He'd always made time for her, had Odo. And the way he had greeted her with a smile on those Tuesday morning meetings... The meetings he'd cancelled after she had gotten together with Shakaar. At the time she'd assumed he'd cancelled her meetings because of the security lapse in the turbolift, but now she knew better.

 

And she felt so very guilty. Because he had been in love with her and she had assumed he wasn't interested in romance at all. She'd never really asked, never pushed past the defences he automatically threw up. And now he was dead, driven to suicide because of an alcohol addiction she was at the centre of.

 

It was all her fault.

 

Kira spent the first few weeks after his death in something of a daze. She did her job, went to services at the temple, did all the things she normally did, but she didn't remember any details. All she knew was the all consuming guilt and grief that she felt.

 

One day she was sat in Quark's and she noticed the bottle of Bajoran whiskey on the shelf. She knew the potent brew had been Odo's drink of choice, and she was desperate for some relief for her pains. So she decided to honour her fallen friend with his favourite tipple, ignoring the voice in her head that said his favourite tipple had also been his downfall. It burned her throat going down, but it was sweet distraction from her grief. It was strange, but somehow it helped. She ordered another, and another until the next thing she knew security were escorting her home.

 

She didn't drink in public after that, but when the pain and the guilt and the grief became too much for her to bear, she'd pour herself a glass in her quarters and drink away her pain. Kira fared better than Odo had with his alcoholism. She found she could hide the hangover symptoms fairly well and still be productive on duty. Her drinking didn't interfere with her job in the same way it had for Odo. She kept it secret, her guilt, and her drinking, and never told anyone of the contents of that last letter. For years she carried on in her way. Withdrawn and angry, much like she had been when she first came to Deep Space Nine. And she kept up her drinking when she couldn't deal with the agony of what had happened. She never could quite drink enough to stop the nightmares though.

 

Kira Nerys was used to nightmares. The things she had done for the resistance, the blood that was on her hands. She had suffered from nightmares for years. But she had never known any like this. These dreams were all about Odo, often erotic, and all ended with him putting a phaser to his head and pulling the trigger. She would wake up, drenched in sweat and uncomfortably aroused, her heart pounding with guilt and fear. On the nights when the dreams came, the only way she could get back to sleep was to drink. The hangovers were always worse than normal the next day, but it was the emotional hangover that always got her.

 

She could never quite get rid of the guilt she felt at causing her friend's death. Could never quite absolve herself for not noticing his pain and trying to do something about it. And so she fell into the same trap, drinking to deal with painful emotions.

 

One day, she realised that she'd been drinking for months, going on years, and never once had it really helped. The pain of what had done, and hadn't done, to Odo would haunt her as long as she lived. She didn't know if she could bear it for another sixty years or so; that was a sentence that was simply too long. So there was only one road she could take. Kira decided she would follow her friend to the Celestial temple and hope that both he and the Prophets could forgive her.

 

She had it all planned out. Kira picked the day she would do it, and ensured all her duties were complete. She made sure to see all her friends before she left, gave them words of encouragement and love, so that they would remember her fondly. That night in her quarters she drank her last glass of whiskey, pressed a padd to her chest and took a massive overdose of painkillers. She lay down on her bed, finally free from the pain in her chest, and went to sleep.

 

Jadzia found her the next morning, with a picture of Odo in her hand and a smile on her face. As the tears ran down her face she found it in her heart to be glad that her friends had finally found the peace that had eluded them in life.

  
  



End file.
